Next week, I’m moving to New York City.
I’m sitting here today, on a rainy afternoon in Oregon, looking back over the last few years and feeling just tremendous gratitude for the path and the people that have supported me along the way.
It was a year ago last May that I stood barefoot in my kitchen in Portland and decided to leave my job, my school, my family, my known life; to move across the country, and to start over. Without a clue what I was going to do once I got there.
I keep coming back to how many times over the years I’ve felt like the only thing I’ve had is an instinct that keeps me moving forward. Looking back now, what I see is how gently and consistently and yet so utterly unrelentingly I’ve been pried loose from each of the external anchors I’ve hung on to in order to ground myself. Those anchors can take a lot of different forms –a person, a relationship, a job, a goal, an identity…any of the things that help me feel safe.
And each of these things served a purpose. Each one gave me focus and security at a time when I needed it. But as I let go of each anchor – sometimes willingly, and sometimes being dragged kicking and screaming – I realized that the process of building an internal anchor is probably the most important work I’ve ever done.
The 9 months I just spent in DC were all about this journey. I was so blessed to have a sister and brother in law who took care of me while I cried and ranted and moped and agonized. I was so blessed to have a job that allowed me so much flexibility. I was so blessed to be able to devote my time and energy and resources to healing and growing. I’ll never forget that or underestimate how lucky I am.
Because then, when I got the call from New York, I was ready. I was ready to step into the next high growth stage. I am ready. I’m scared, of course. I have a huge learning curve ahead of me. I’ve had to readjust how I might still accomplish some of my other goals. But I know, at such a deep level, that this is the right place and the right time and the right next step. I’m tremendously excited. And as someone once showed me, in a different time and place – I can feel fear and joy in equal measures at the same time. And hopefully, with experience and time, the fear lessens and the joy increases.
And if that’s not the hand of the divine taking me from Portland to Park Ave., I don’t know what is.
The Modern Hedonist 