santa barbara

August 2013

This little cottage is perfect. It is such a blessing. It is just the right size – not too big,
not too small – and there is light everywhere and a feeling of peace. I felt relaxed and at home the moment I walked in the door. I knew it was exactly what I needed – what my heart had been telling me to go find ever since sometime in May when I knew it was time to make a change and reconnect with myself and be reborn, if I can say it that way. Yearning for rest and rejuvenation. I love my family and friends and I have been given so much love from them on my travels so far, but I knew I needed some quiet time alone. To think and sleep and process and pray and meditate and take care of myself the way I need to.

And speaking of sleep…wow. I’ve been logging about 12 hours a day. I just go to bed and somehow I sleep and sleep. And it’s good sleep, too. I also found a great deal for a package of massages so I scheduled myself one every day. I found a yoga studio with classes at the right time and practice area and price.

Today, I got out of bed at noon. Showered, ate my “cleansing” lunch of salmon, brown rice, and spinach. Then I went for my massage, and then I attended two yoga classes – the first, heated vinyasa, and the second, yin meditation. I feel so relaxed and connected to my body. It’s only 8.20 and already I feel like I want to be in bed by 9.00.

Tomorrow, after my massage, my new friend Elizabeth (pictured below – she used to live in this cottage) is going to take me downtown and we are going to explore and do some wine tasting and whatever else seems fun. I’m going to try to go to the beach I think one or both of the weekend days.

E and I in Santa Barbara

My other goal while here – beyond physical recovery – was to set aside some time for an emotional and spiritual journey. Last night I was just sitting here, thinking – I was trying to meditate but having a hard time focusing on my breath, so I gave up and just let the thoughts in – and some really good – but HARD!! – insights and questions came into my mind. It’s like I was having a conversation – with myself? with God/the Divine? – and I had to really confront how selfish I had been being in a certain area. How focused on myself and my feelings and my needs. I had to really look at what I was willing to lay down of myself and my own desires for love of another person.

I feel like I must have sat there for 2 hours, just being put through the wringer on this stuff, when I finally started laughing. And I started laughing because I remembered a thought I had had earlier this year, where I was congratulating myself for how much my emotional bandwidth had been stretched because of the challenges over the previous few years, and how mature that must mean I now was. I actually thought to myself, “I have the most bomb-ass emotional bandwidth.” And it’s as if God (or the Universe, or my Higher Power, or whatever – I still haven’t decided what to call IT) heard me think that, and laughed as well – and said, “Oh, you think so, hotshot? Ok then. Try this on for size.” And consequently I found myself facing an emotional and spiritual challenge of a greater magnitude than I ever imagined possible. I’m trying to see it as a blessing. An intense and crazy opportunity for growth. A pathway to becoming the most amazing, authentic, accomplished, incredibly strong, and totally kick-ass version of myself that I can be. A time and a chance to lay the foundations for my future, my kingdom, my life.

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